And Down Came the Rain...

(written Dec 10, 2013- Post Jailyn's 10th bday)



Dad,

We watched the most beautiful fireworks show tonight. Each spark magically danced with purpose in the night sky.  The skyline was breathtaking.  And as familiar Christmas song medleys played, booming colors ignited approving gasps throughout Disneyland. You would have been over the moon! I also know that you would have insisted on carrying Jolie in your arms the whole time - just so that she could have the best seat in the house. Tonight she had to settle for second best and sat on my lap.  Like you, she also missed the show. Your little princess was sound asleep from a full day of celebrating Jailyn's 10th birthday.

(Can you believe Jailyn is TEN?!!!)

I closed my eyes and listened intently to the crowd.  Somehow I was convinced that if I honed in hard enough,  I'd hear you laughing and screaming in the background. If focused enough, I'd find your face in the crowd - your signature smile lighting the way. 

The moment brought me back to our last 4th of July together. 7/4/2013 - It was such a windy night. I remember how disappointed you were that we didn't buy our own sparklers for the girls.  You even threatened to stop by one of the stands - but mom and I wouldn't have it bec. in spite of your efforts to hide it - we knew that you weren't feeling well that day. Thankfully Jon arrived later that evening with fireworks in-hand.  I could tell that you were relieved.

Once nightfall came, we all stepped out to watch your silly neighbors load up illegal fireworks on their makeshift stands. I love how much we laughed that night. I also loved watching you with my Kimchix. I still recall trying to film the moment until I noticed how yellow your skin looked in the light. My camera seemed to only intensify your skin's tawny hue. I decided focus on your smile instead and it immediately put me at ease. The look on your face did all but say, "It will be ok....one day." 

***
Back in Disneyland, I saw dads, grand dads and even great-grand dads everywhere. They were with their families and happily watching the same fireworks show. It just didn't seem fair. You are one of the good guys, Dad. If anyone deserved to be with their loved ones, YOU surely did.  And though I know you were with us in spirit - I needed more. MUCH more. It just hurt so much to think about you. Soon a tear rolled down my cheek...followed by another.  Before long, I was unable to stop.  I suppose that one can only weather an emotional storm for so long.  I really didn't want to upset mom or wake up Jolie but I just couldn't stop crying.  Suddenly I felt someone sit beside me, resting their hand on my back. It was big sissy.  She sat quietly looking away from me - but it was clear that she wanted me to know that she was there.

"I'll be Home for Christmas" began to play in the background while fireworks continued to thunder above us - increasing in cadence. All that I could do was lower the brim of my hat, cover my face and allow the rain to fall. Then just as I reached the peak of my breakdown, I felt something land on my hand.

Wait... was that a snow flake?

I looked up and watched a million little, white flecks floating downwards.  And as each speckle landed on top of me, a sudden surge of comfort fell upon me, too.  You were there...weren't you?  You knew that I needed you - and like big sis - you chose to comfort me in silence. You didn't miss the fireworks show. You heard the beautiful music. You were holding Jolie the whole time. And as the snow trickled down, you were promising me that it will be ok… one day.



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